I started meditating a few months ago, shortly after I was diagnosed with ADHD. Not a daily routine but enough to consider something I do. It is Day 2 of my personal retreat and my second day of meditation. I am using the Headspace app on my phone. At the end of each meditation session, the narrator mentions to take a moment and appreciate how you feel. How your body feels.
Ha! Being mindful about it, I really noticed today the change in feeling at the end compared to before the session. Mind and body. I noticed today I had the same feeling yesterday, and the last few times I meditated.
My mind doesn’t stop, and it can’t. Even when I try, it won’t stop. It goes and goes and goes on. It is tiring at times and creates an “anxiety” all the time. This anxiety can be a high- or low-level grade. It’s there. The body is always on varying levels of “on edge.” I am continually fighting gravity.
After each session, my mind is running slower. Very slow in comparison. Still running, but slower. I see the world slower. I can understand better and take time to observe. My body feels weird, different. It is a feeling I have not felt before. Maybe I have felt it and never noticed.
Gravity. Gravity has an effect on my body, and I am letting it. I am not fighting gravity. I’m letting gravity let me settle and be calm. Gravity is pulling enough for calm where I am sitting. Gravity is not trying to pull me through the chair into the ground. It is not weighing me down. I have always perceived gravity as weighing me down, and I have to fight it, resist it.
My mind is starting to ramp up again. Slower acceleration this time, but it will be running full tilt soon. My body doesn’t feel restless, and I have some time to walk before sprinting.
That is what I feel. Calm. Not relaxation. Calm. I can find calm. I have been searching for ways to relax and find relaxation as everyone else can. My brain can’t relax, and it never will. All I can do is find calm and calm my mind and body.
I have been chasing the wrong thing. I will now search for calm because calm is good.
Finally. No longer fighting gravity. Letting gravity do its part to find calm. No more searching for relaxation.