I was sitting with my daughter at the Walk Off the Earth concert in Windsor and was content. I was calm and enjoyed watching her being ‘too excited’ to be excited. This was the first time I did something for my girls, that was 100% for them, and 0% for me.
I purchased the tickets impulsively a few months ago when I saw the ad. I bought them because my daughter loves the band and it will be a nice treat. I purchased them because she didn’t ideally 100% deserve it. She deserved it because she is a great kid who struggles at times. She tries, she fails, she succeeds, she trips, she learns. I was also not making up for bad times. I also had 0% invested in this group and trip.
While undiagnosed, my ADHD symptoms required “rewards” to be given only when 100% good. That is a lie, a minimum of 110%. “Good” was defined by me, was established at the time, as defined by their “selfishness,” and the definition and conditions changed minute by minute. When I allowed their “reward,” when it was not 100% deserved, it bothered me, distracted me, and I would say moody shitty things. This was a rigid way of thinking, and I would take personal offence from the kids and their actions. Rigidity to protect me was causing anguish with my girls.
Last night I sat there, I enjoyed being with her. I enjoyed watching her enjoying the moment the experience with her Papa. I know she is confused about the trip because this is not a Papa thing to do. The moment was cool. I stayed there, I let the moment be hers, not mine. It’s cool being mindful and being present.
I was able to see all of that because I did not allow perfection and rigidity to get in the way of being present with a girl who deserves a treat because she is perfect the way she is growing and learning.