I am not an anxious person. I don’t believe I am. What is anxiety? Excessive worry or fear. Fear of what? Is it affecting my life? Constantly? Am I avoiding situations to avoid situations that cause anxiety? Are some of these feelings unrealistic, and does it affect my life? Maybe. Unrealistic feelings? That is interesting. That sounds like my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) that is part of my Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
There are excessive worry and fear of rejection with my overactive never-ending spinning ADHD mind. Always wondering or worrying about how people feel about me. I fear that I may be rejected. Anxious that I know I won’t fit in and later pushed out? It is not a matter of IF I will be rejected, it is a matter of WHEN.
My hyperarousal ADHD mind doesn’t help with all this anxiety. My mind won’t and can not stop ruminating about WHEN! This rumination causes me to look for slight actions to prove my belief, that may or most likely not be there to support my belief. This constant whirlwind rumination causes me to worry and fear continually.
When will the rejection occur? Remember, it is not IF it will occur, but WHEN. It will happen. That is what I believe and was made to believe in the past. I have trained myself over 44 years that it is always WHEN. To protect myself, I sabotage good relationships and look for these slight actions of pre-rejection. This provides me with justification to break the relationships before I get rejected. The intriguing thing with RSD with ADHD is that it is not about REAL rejection, most of it is PERCEIVED rejection.
Perceived rejection? Not real rejection? No wonder the constant worry and fear. Well, it appears I am and have been an anxious person most of my life. An anxious guy who is always afraid to be rejected, a guy whose emotional dysregulation is amplified with this rejection anxiety when they are close, loving relationships.
WHEN is my anxiety. The frustrating part is that it is perceived. I just learned that is was never real rejection, it probably was not going to happen. Now, I am a frustrated, anxious person.